Temasek Bought The Rights To Spiderman And Saved The World’s Last Symbol of Hope
With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility
BY: JONATHAN LEONG
28th AUG 2019
Disclaimer: The following is pure satire.
Everywhere we go, we see his face…
In the past few weeks…
The world has been shaken by a series of unfortunate events…
Both in reel and real Life…
1) Our Planet Is Toast
After living on a steady diet of the side effects of humanity’s industrial progress, the ‘lungs of our Mother Earth’, the Amazon rainforests have caught stage 4 cancer. Billionaires have decided to take a hard pass on donations for this cause – hell, if we were them…we’d be too busy figuring out how to build the perfect doomsday shelter or saving up for that getaway ticket to Mars.
2) Singapore prepares for Water-world
The Singapore Government announced a humongous budget in preparation for rising sea levels, and measures to combat humanity’s displacement in the face of technology, climate change, Skynet and the rise of Artificial Intelligence (well maybe not exactly in that manner, but you get the idea).
3) Forgiveness is only for the anointed
Celebrated Cult leader…oops, we mean, Pastor Kong Hee was released from Changi prison, allegedly for good behaviour and was promptly forgiven by his congregation of the approx. 26million dollars he and his hommies borrowed from City Harvest Church’s coffers to brew some China Wine.
You see, everyone wishes for prosperity, but the real ace in one’s deck is the ability to evoke -> unconditional forgiveness. Just ask our neighbour across the causeway; Najib, he sure as hell has seen prosperity, but he’s been busying campaigning for forgiveness day and night.
Kong Hee however, can release 4 more cross over projects:
4) A toddler got smashed to death by a mirror at a shop in Jewel @Changi Airport.
5) And NTU came up with a Ku-Ku-Bird Cheer.
Is the world coming to an end?
For centuries, the prophecy of mankind’s apocalyptic end has captured the imagination of us humans whenever we’ve had a ‘bad day at the game of life’. It’s like that far off reality-reset button that our self-destructive nature likes to fantasise about.
We’re basically pleasure-seeking sacks of meat, imbued with a sense of consciousness that has made us acutely aware of the pain of existence.
With the dawning apocalypse upon us, we can always relish in the fantastical scenario that all our problems might come to a natural close without us having to deal with the pesky demands of life.
Every passing comet, every doomsday news article - gives us the warm sub-conscious assurance that it’ll all be over before we have to deal with anything tangible.
Like doing the dishes, or crying over pictures of sea turtles with plastic straws sticking thru their skulls.
Distraction is often the best perscription for reality…
In some shape or form, we’ve always had an adjacent larger than life symbol of light to counteract these dark thoughts, a balance to the force…so to speak, an avatar for hope…
This symbol of hope once took on many forms:
- A better world for future generations (quite debatable, due to climate change)
- Positive self-help messages of enlightenment via gurus, celebrities and religious leaders (that’s even more controversial these days)
- Higher education rankings as the answer to society’s ills (the purity of which has been wiped out overnight by a kuku-bird chant).
- I am Iron Man (oops, sorry that guy’s dead now)
And his successor Spiderman is trapped in a profit sharing contractual stalemate (love triangle) with Sony and Disney/Marvel…bummer…
Why can’t we just have some nice things?
Minus the corporate machinery and obvious profiteering of our childhood nostalgia – character wise: Spiderman was the last perfect pure embodiment of hope: he represented the child in all of us…still hopeful for a better tomorrow, while also carrying the burden of #Adulting in a perilous world.
His story, that of a young orphan finding his way through life while moonlighting as an Avenger – captured the imagination of millions.
And now due to a prolonged contractual dispute between Disney and Sony, we might never see him as part of the MCU again…
There’s just too much pain in the world.
With great power comes great responsibility…
Temasek can potentially be the internet’s ultimate white-knight, investing in Spiderman - would save him from the clutches of development hell.
On top of the obvious business benefits of owning such an iconic symbol of hope, adventure, ingenuity and triumph over adversity, here are some reasons why such a deal will be awesome:
1) Epic Public Relations #Win
Temasek has already invested in lifestyle companies such as Drake’s favourite tech-infused apparel brand Stone Island and the plant based meat company known as Impossible Foods.
Adding Spiderman into the mix will simply ignite the #TemasekUniverse. And that’s just the start.
Spiderman is an ageless brand ambassador, he has survived being re-cast, rebooted and dragged around like a amusement park mascot who’s seen better days – but still manages to emerge victorious every time.
He’s ready for more heavy duty brand slinging, imagine future up-skilling workshops:
An acquisition of the Spiderman brand will cement Singapore’s position on the global map of new age relevance and give us a cache of contemporary cool.
2) Theme Parks And Attractions
Just imagine: if Temasek were to buy Spiderman, they could allow Marvel to use him in their MCU plans - in exchange for a chunkier stake with regards to the control of the parks, attractions and events sectors in Asia. An absolute monster kill for #Tourism & #PassionMadePossible…
Heard of that ultra-spectacular southern waterfront masterplan the government has in store?
Add a Spiderman theme park to the mix and viola; you can literally start to hear those GDP numbers reaching a feverish pitch. Talk about hitting KPIs for the next few decades.
3) Singapore X Spiderman Merchandise
Truth be told, there are only so many “Singapore is a fine-city” tourist t-shirts, fridge magnets and Merlion mugs you can buy before your home starts to look like a Bugis Village tourist shop.
Spiderman represents an endless array of merchandising and co-branded marketing opportunities. The beauty of owning intellectual property is that you can whore it out to the highest bidder, while getting a cut of the back-end profits.
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As you can see, the marriage of Spiderman into Singapore Inc. is part pragmatic and part fantastical in nature. It is the embodiment of not only hope, but also the will to act on it – ideals backed by the efficiency of a country, which knows how to get stuff done.
After all being an avatar for hope alone is not enough. We live in an era overcome by overt keyboard activism, selfies and complain culture. If we are to truly chart the course of humanity towards a brighter future…to boldly go where no one has gone before…
We need the nimbleness of a Spider backed by the courage of a Merlion.
Basically, the duality of web shots and projectile water vomit.
Let’s hope Temasek buys Spiderman before they recast Tom Holland (touch wood) and reboot the franchise yet again.