4 Business Ventures Kong Hee Can Do After Jail
To Stage A Mega Comeback And Usher In A New Era of Harvest
PARODY | BY JONATHAN LEONG | 23RD AUG 2019
Kong Hee’s life deserves a Netflix series.
Think about it, his character’s narrative arc has all the makings of an epic hero’s journey:
The story starts with a young charismatic leader, who ignites a company or organisation. He then gains a cult following and reaches the pinnacle of success in a particular industry.
After years of prosperity and hype, the leader faces scandal and a controversial fallout. He retreats momentarily from public view to go through a private period of purgatory, before finally ‘making a comeback’ returning to power and glory once again. Like a phoenix reborn - from the ashes of spectacular public failure.
You could put any corporate story into the above Hero’s Journey. From Steve Jobs to Marvel, history is resplendent with tales of heroic visionaries, whose organisations lost their way – only to return stronger than ever before.
“Give until tears stream down your eyes.”
Mega church founder Kong Hee, who was convicted of leading the misappropriation of approximately $24million dollars largely for his wife’s ‘secular outreach’ singing career, has recently been released from Changi prison.
Here at the Singaplex we like to explore the lighter side of life, in celebration of Kong Hee’s release from prison and back to the business of enlightenment we’ve outlined some possible comeback ventures the previously beleaguered founder can potentially embark on.
Here’s what we would do if we were staging our return from theological purgatory:
1) Start an Alcoholic Beverage Company:
Midnight in the Garden of China Wine
Whether your chosen religion convenes in the morning or late at night, alcohol will undoubtedly have appeared in some of your ceremonies or religious rituals.
There are many reasons that make an alcoholic beverage the ideal vessel to bring your brand back from the grave.
-> Wide market reach. Forget cross over projects or ambitious record albums, what better way to reach the fallen than by speaking in similar tongues. You will appeal to potential fans across every race and creed, and you won’t even need to be too preachy about it.
The only wine accepted by Legends everywhere…
-> Your brand will live beyond you. Why be the target for haters when you can corporatize your brand and truly go global. Everyone from Hollywood A-lister George Clooney (see below) to UFC Star Conor Mcgregor has their own beverage line. Clooney sold his tequila brand (which he started by accident) to beverage conglomerate Diageo for $1billion us dollars.
-> Be an advocate for pain relief. Alcohol has long functioned as the glue keeping almost unhinged lives together, the safety net for damaged hearts and a general prescription for the pain of existing as a human being. This will beat any crossover project you could ever think of.
For every bottle of China Wine bought, patrons will get a complimentary mug for low-key day-time drinking in the office:
China Wine “Office-Duty” merchandise for the modern cubicle dweller.
2) Become a Motivational Speaker and Self-Help Author
Motivational speaking and workshop sales, the proven path to humongous wealth. Don’t bother reinventing the wheel, just model after those who’ve already paved the way…
You were already inspiring your congregation. Now just be truthful about where their fees are going – now, 100% directly to you. And why the hell would they pay you? That’s because they’re not. They are actually investing in themselves.
In this progressive age of #Self-Care, investing in reaching a higher plane of ‘positive energy’ is not just another option; it’s a way of living.
Becoming a leader in #Self-Care and overcoming adversity
Self-improvement is big business, everyone from celebrities to C-suite executives are extolling the virtues of discovering themselves. For 12 easy payments of $299, your new devotees can join your rebranded ‘masterclass’ where they can connect with their true selves, to lean in, eat, pray, love and ‘unleash’ the ‘power that we all have deep within’ which has been polluted by the noise in modern society.
The Total Value Package self improvement happy-meal.
You won’t have to shift funds around or come up with any dubious cross-over outreach projects, people will literally give you their money…after all they are putting it back into their lives via self improvement, and you’re just the helpful conduit that’s gonna guide them to their True North.
3) Do Contemporary Art
Art World enthusiasts and critics had called it “a statement against the clutter and consumerism in the world” Martin Creed took home “the £20,000 annual Turner Prize…(for) an empty room with lights that flicker on and off every five seconds”.
If you thought religion was good business, wait till you get into contemporary art. You can literally get away with anything if you can find the right mix of media hype, wealthy financial patronage and most importantly: controversy - and you won’t even have to go to jail for it.
“Martin Creed’s Work No. 227: The lights going on and off consists of an empty room which is filled with light for five seconds and then plunged into darkness for five seconds.”
You know the kind of art that doesn’t make sense but sells for millions of dollars – even if they’re probably being painted by an army of underpaid art interns? Yes, the more bewildering your art, the better…after all highly conceptual art is not for the un-initiated masses who worry whether they can use their latest Grab promotion coupon – but for those who are willing to shred their money (sometimes literally) for the pursuit of culture.
“Kong Hee’s body of work is an continual metaphorical practice of self-deconstruction, resplendent with religious references and a contemporary rework of cultural classics such a Japanese director Hideki Ano’s The End of Evangelion” - What An Art Critic Might Probably Say
There is no better way to relieve those with too much money, by mixing some armchair intellectualism with ironic imagery. It’s a sure-fire formula for success.
And let’s not forget the fact that all famous artists need a good background story. You’ve got it all, a large cult, media frenzy, lengthy essays about humanity and God, questioning the value of China Wine and even jail.
As pop art master Andy Warhol (you know the guy who sold silkscreen photos for millions) said:
“Making money is art and working is art and good business is the best art”
China Wine contemporary art, coming to a respectable art museum soon…
4) Become an MMA fighter or Pro Wrestler
Welcome to the Ministry of Fists.
Imagine the announcer’s opening intro for all your fights:
“He’s ministered to millions of souls, he’s been in jail, God almost sent him to hell but he’s still walking the earth…bringing his brand of righteousness one Fist At A Time…he is KONG-HE, The Renegade Preacher and today he’s coming for your Soul!”
There are many avenues to develop one’s brand as a professional fighter: from movie appearances, manga adaptations, K-pop variety show appearances and action-figure sales to potential video game licensing deals. You’ll be more than a fighter; you’ll be a one-man media brand machine on steroids.
If one is imaginative enough the world can truly be your oyster.
As you can see…the best creative business concepts are usually inspired by tales of triumph, fallout and ultimately…redemption.
In this day and age, there’s nothing more glorious than a good comeback story.