PEOPLE

How One Woman Survived Abuse, Anxiety, Divorce & Suicide In Urban Singapore To Make a Life For Herself And Her Children. 

Why gaining inner peace and championing mental health issues has become a personal mission for Kamilah M.S & her community

BY: JONATHAN LEONG
HEAD OF CONTENT

15th FEB 2020

Love is a four letter word

For Kamilah M.S it would remain a four letter word for most of her life, till she found a way to gradually break free from the voice within that so often holds each and every one of us down.

The voice that says that we are unworthy.

Of happiness, of love and of peace.

As I sit down with Kamilah M.S to delve into her story, her light hearted countenance makes no hint of the personal demons she has worked so hard to conquer all her life. Like a warrior who prefers to hide her scars, she makes light jokes and prefers to focus on the positive - a vibe we all hope to gravitate towards to in this life.

She recounts how her mother’s colleague once uttered the following line to her “ if you were my child I would punch you” after an altercation she had with her mother. Desperate to leave the tenuous situation at home after her A-levels, she latched onto the romance she had with a guy she met through MSN and got married soon after.

Being young and emotionally unstable led to cracks in her first marriage. Soon after her father in law was diagnosed with dementia (which led to alzheimer’s) further exacerbating the situation. She stayed in her first marriage for 8 years, taking care of him whilst managing their two young children. Frequent arguments with her spouse led to an eventual split and she continued to toil away at her day job as a financial consultant to support herself and her two kids.

At her new workplace, many guys tried to take advantage of her disadvantaged circumstances and promised to provide emotional support. One guy chased her relentlessly and they eventually got married. However, he turned out to be an abusive and controlling partner who frequently gaslighted her with emotional abuse. While this was unfolding, her own father developed cancer and eventually died.

One day, desensitised from all that was going on around her externally while also battling her internal monologue, she decided to swallow a bottle of chemicals.

Fortunately, she survived.

Just as the past has the power to shape us, so does the present and the choices we make for ourselves herein.

Now happily married to a caring husband, she focuses her energy on helping people dealing with emotional trauma as a wellness coach and mental health advocate.

Despite her turbulent past, Kamilah shares with us what made her arrive at her current vocation.

Q) Mental health has come to the forefront of popular culture in recent years, why do you think that is the case?

Kamilah: We live in the era of social media and digital connectivity, where sharing about one’s life has become less taboo. In the early days of social media people posted about superficial topics, we were all more concerned about ‘looking good’. However, now you see people wanting to connect with family and friends in an authentic way - they want to talk about the important issues and emotions that underpin and affect their sense of peace. 

The unfortunate passing of many notable celebrities due to suicide in both the west and asia has also shaken the foundations of popular culture and what it means to be successful. People whom the public least expected to be dealing with inner pain or mental health took their lives suddenly, such as acclaimed actor/comedian Robin Williams, fashion mogul Kate Spade, Linkin Park’s Chester Bennington, celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain and Kpop superstar Kim Jonghyun. 

Other outspoken celebrities such as Jennifer Lopez and Lady Gaga have come forward to share their own struggles. When we see the veneer of fame and success ripped through and realise we’re all just humans trying to find our way through the carnage of life, it stirs up powerful emotions, and a sense of affinity amongst humanity as a whole. Unfortunately suicide cases are on the rise worldwide and it’s a never ending battle. In some ways social media has ripped the band aid off the wound of mental health and now people are more open to accepting help from the people around them. 

Q) Most people in your position would prefer to keep their past under wraps, what made you want to share your life story with others?

Kamilah: It was a chaotic time for me and I just wanted to connect with others who were facing similar issues, that was around 2009 where I began to be more candid about what I was going through - I wanted to know that I was not alone in these struggles. Thankfully through opening up, it helped me to heal and also find solace in the stories of others who came to share about their own life and marriage struggles with me. 

We all want to find love and belonging, but sometimes we need to mend ourselves and the deep rooted issues in our own lives, in order to continue giving more to our loved ones - it can be a tedious balancing act, but necessary as life can be a long and winding road. Sharing my story helped me emerge from that dark period of my life, things which I hope everyone can avoid going through. 

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Q) You’ve had a rather turbulent relationship with your parents, how have you managed to heal over time?

Kamilah: I’ve tried to heal in many ways, and attended a lot of programs. There were some which I benefited from greatly and I began to send my family for those as well in the hope that it would help them gain a better perspective on things. I did not wish to give up on my loved ones. 

They balked initially at the thought of going through such emotionally revealing sessions but I held my ground - my parent’s marriage was on the brink of divorce and it was my way of showing them that I was going to be around to support them in resolving their issues. After going through the process their relationship re-blossomed and they’ve learned to overlook the differences they have and focus on becoming the best version of themselves and for each other.

It can be hard to put aside one’s ego, especially for couples who have been married for a long time and not kept the emotional care for each other going. When we start taking each other for granted that is when things deteriorate. We forget why we wanted to be with each other in the first place, and the joy and power that a loving bond with someone can yield.  

Q) How has your view on love and relationships evolved over time?

Kamilah: Like many others, I was brought up on a steady diet of fairy tales and stories revolving around perfection. In my young mind back then, marriage was like a destination which would be filled with everlasting happiness upon arrival.

I know I was foolish to believe this idealised image of love and marriage, but we are largely - the sum of the stimuli around us. When my marriage began to unravel in the opposite direction from the image I had always clung to, I was plagued by never ending anxiety and wondering what was wrong with me and my partner.

To make matters worse I was concurrently caring for my two young children, both my parents and my husband’s father (from my first marriage)…in addition to my own grandparents who were also sick during this period. My mental state was crumbling rapidly from the stress and anxiety from all angles. I had gone through severe anxiety as a child and the burden these collective issues placed upon my weakening shoulders; triggered a downward spiral of unhealthy outbursts that failed to quell the heightened anxiety I felt in my adult-life.

Although some people might laugh and wonder why I am now in my third marriage, and why I even still believe in love and marriage. My renewed and informed perspective on relationships have given me a clear picture of how every union is unique and how two imperfect people can come together to build a happy life. There is no silver bullet to happiness but like all things in life it takes work and continual personal growth as a couple.

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Q) In your book, you describe having a very difficult and challenging time in school; and were often bullied and misunderstood. How did you manage to lift yourself beyond your circumstances?

Kamilah: The constant abuse both physical and verbal wrecked my sense of self worth. I remember one teacher chided me for something I did not do and being bullied by some of my peers.

There was even a period of time when I became the bully in school to overcome my fear of being bullied and abused. I also acted out in rebellion by shoplifting, smoking and playing truant. Although I had an inquisitive mind, I developed a hatred for studying. I hated my parents and my teachers as well. I hated anything that resembled authority and adults in general - because I had never felt what it was like to have proper adult leadership or heroes in my life.

Despite her shortcomings as a parent my mom knew that she had to reign in my spiralling behaviour and performance in school. With the savings that she had scarped together, she sent me to motivational talks, self development camps and leadership camps to boost my self-esteem and help put me on the right path again.

Change only came when I was fifteen via attending a talk by a motivational speaker from Malaysia, it struck a chord with me and lit a fire in my soul. People usually view things like personal self help books and motivational talks in a cliche manner but for someone who has experienced trauma and brokenness from a young age, these things helped to lift me out from my tangled mental and emotional state.

I decided to buck up in my studies and changed my attitude towards school. I managed to be in top three and top five for the remaining years in school. I even participated in oratorical competitions and inter-college debates where my team managed to go to the finals. 

For the first time in my life, I became popular amongst my peers and well liked by most of my teachers. School was great for the first time. 

Q. What are some pieces of advice that you would give to your younger self, and why?

Kamilah: To be successful for myself and to celebrate small wins even when no one noticed or wanted to acknowledge them. I would tell my younger self to not be pressured by friends who seem to be smarter, popular and successful because school is but a starting point of life’s long journey and we don’t know what struggles others are going though beneath the surface. 

I would tell my younger self to not do things just to please others and that I improve for my own sake and for my own future.

I would tell my younger self that anger will not solve a problem and I should focus my mind and breathing to calm my rage, anxiety and to shut any negativity in my head and from those around me. 

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Q. As a suicide survivor, what are some perspectives you now have about life, despair, hope and healing?

Kamilah: I realise that no matter how challenging life can be, life is actually the best teacher with an intention for us all to grow - if only we would allow it to.

The only way is up and that is where life is pushing us towards. Towards growth, wisdom, clarity and inner peace. Things always work out to be less severe that what our thoughts want us to believe - Life is very kind even when one can't see it amidst the commotion, noise and chaos being portrayed in the media and around us. 

When life ain’t going your way, it is easy to give up and feel despair. When you know that life is actually not going against you, you will find a way out of your situation so trust the lessons each time and not resist them. 

As long as we wake up and as long as we are breathing, there is still hope and we live life not waiting for the perfect person, situation or outcome we want. Life is already taking place now. Carpe diem and learn to stop and be present in the moment. Savour it, for making full use of the gift of now is better than worrying endlessly about the future - for soon enough it will arrive.

All of us need to heal continuously. Healing is about recharging and detoxing what you take in. All the disappointments, upsets, anger, frustrations and more. We need to heal from all that is ongoing because holding on to those emotions will rob us of happiness, joy and fulfilment. 

Q. How have your experiences shaped the way you relate to your children and the things you hope for them?

Kamilah: I respect my children as individuals who have whole lives ahead of them and I treasure my time with them, as I probably would not be with them all the time throughout the remaining journey of their lives.  

I teach them resilience, forgiveness and compassion at home and to the rest of the world. I do not make my children preoccupied with grades and education because with the right attitude grades and education will come naturally and true enough they never fail to receive their fair share of awards in the academic sphere.

Time has taught me the value of practicing what I call “Hands Off Parenting” and hats off to my children for their own efforts as well. 

Q. What are some of the things you wish for people to take away after reading your story?

Kamilah: I wish that people will know that the things that we tend to stress about daily are not worthy of our time, energy and wellbeing. 

Everyday people stress about politics, what's happening around the world, finances, relationships and more. What truly matters is how we react to all of that in ways so that we ourselves can grow to become better people. 

Imagine if everyone is doing the same, reflecting on themselves more than trying to meddle with the affairs of others and the world around them, that would be a wonderful reality would it not be?

Change starts with a conscious choice and truly begins within ourselves. 

When we focus on improving our mindset, we bring about change around us effortlessly. We inspire others and we lead by example. 

Complete the following sentences:

1. In the future everyone will be: 

Able to have access to inner peace. 

2. Your living / working space is: 

My bedroom, my sanctuary and my reflection corner. 

3. Mobile phones are in need of: 

Better wellbeing apps. 

4. The Internet is one big: 

Megaphone amplifying the voices of millions around the world. 

5. What the world needs now:

Inner peace.

Kamilah’s journey, and her book on mental health entitled “The 12 Steps To Inner Peace” - How One Woman Survived Abuse, Anxiety, Divorce & Suicide In Urban Singapore To Make a Life For Herself and her children will be out in late 2020, and is being developed by Singaplex Content Studios.

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